Bill's Guide to: Surviving Gravity Falls
by DireWolfEmily
Summary: Bill decides to write a book about some helpful guidelines to surviving the supernatural world of Gravity Falls. Unfortunately most of his "Rules" are anything; but helpful!


**Summary:** Bill decides to write a book about some helpful guide line to surviving the super natural world of Gravity Falls. Unfortunately, most of his "Rules" are anything; but helpful!

**Chapter Notes**

**Disclaimers:** I do Not own Gravity Falls.

Notes: This is a story I posted on AO3 a long time ago and I decided to post it here too. To be honest I don't know why I wrote this...I guess I was bored. But whatever the reason this one shot sparked a story idea of one of my darkest BillDip's of all time. A series my old AO3 fans may remember called _Stories by Bill Cipher. _Basically, it's a BillDip told from Bill's point of view with a few POV's from other characters of the series.

And this One shot has no plot what so ever, but it gave birth to so much more.

Anyway, as always, I thank you for reading and ask that you please review.

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Bill's Guide to: Surviving Gravity Falls

By: Bill Cipher

**Rule # 1:**Trust no one…. not even your family!

**Rule # 2:**Remember! Reality is an illusion!

**Rule # 3:**Remember! The universe is a hologram!

**Rule # 4:**Remember to buy gold, because it's the only thing that will hold real value when the end times are finally here!

**Rule # 5:**Do not introduce yourself by your real name in public. (In less you want to gain a second shadow!)

**Rule # 6:**Do not ignore fictional characters in public. It's just plain rude!

**Rule # 7:**Want protection? learn a little magic.

**Rule # 8:**Want to live in a small little hick town where nothing happens? Then pick another town! Any town!

**Rule # 9:**Note facial expressions. It just might save your life.

**Rule # 10:**If a book, or a cave drawling says, 'Don't read this out loud' THEN DON'T DO IT!

**Rule # 11:**Don't die alone. Take many people with you.

**Rule # 12:**Remember the floor is slippery when wet.

**Rule # 13:**But a Lake is slippery when dry.

**Rule # 14:**Only talk to strangers you know.

**Rule # 15:**Strangers you don't know are unpredictable... Kill them all.

**Rule # 16:**For legal purposes, be sure to delete the note above.

**Rule # 17:**Tell people about the strangers that are trying to kill you.

**Rule # 18:**Then kill them for security purposes.

**Rule # 19:**Crying does not solve anything. Try violent mood swings. It always works for me!

**Rule # 20:**Feeling like you don't fit in? Then make a scene whenever humanly possible.

**Rule # 21:**Remember flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.

**Rule # 22:**Train an army of supernatural beings to do your evil biding. It'll make life much easier.

**Rule # 23:**Delete previous note… its evidence!

**Rule # 24:**Do not maim people. If you already have, kill them to avoid lawsuits.

**Rule # 25**:Remember! I am staring at you, and everyone else all the time!

**Rule # 26:**So, no one will blame you for acting insane.

**Rule # 27:**Remember the people in this town are weird, but not as weird as me, so be thankful.

**Rule # 28:**Do not taunt the creatures in the forest. They have feelings... And teeth.

**Rule # 29:**Little people are aggressive. So, stay away from the Gnomes.

**Rule # 30:**Going through other people's stuff is a bonding experience. Do this as much as possible.

**Rule # 31:**You'll sometimes notice shadows late at night. Don't worry. It's only me…**Wink ;)**

**Rule # 32:**Never pet a burning dog…or any other animal for that matter.

**Rule # 33:**Why? Because there on fire Duh!

**Rule # 34:**By the way do you know what would look good on you?

**Rule # 35:**My puppet strings!

**Rule # 36:**HA! I'm just kidding

**Rule # 37:**Or am I…-**Wink ;)**

**Rule # 38:**Anyway, where was I… Oh yeah don't be afraid of our cockroaches. Play with them.

**Rule # 39:**Don't worry. It's only a harmless pimento bug.

**Rule # 40:**The size of Danny DeVito.

**Rule # 41:**Stalking is fun. Do it more.

**Rule # 42:**Make a large sign saying, "All Hail Bill Cipher" And you will survive the apocalypse.

**Rule # 43:**No matter what anyone says, there is a way to get to your fantasy world.

**Rule # 44:**Just shake my hand, and I'm sure we'll work something out.

**Rule # 45:**Be Assertive! For example, the leprechaun on the cereal box said I can't get his luck charms...

**Rule # 46:**So, I killed him, and then took them anyways!

**Rule # 47:**Do not go out with Tad Strange no matter how normal he may seem.

**Rule # 48:**Why? Because he is a sadistic, soul sucking demon.

**Rule # 49:**Disregard last note. Go out with a demon. Who needs a soul anyway?

**Rule # 50: **Just remember to **KILL HIM FOR ME!**

**Rule # 51:**If you're here long enough to see Christmas roll around be ready for some weird gifts.

**Rule # 52:**Want a normal gift? Then tell the small children in the Toys 'R' Us the next town over that the dolls have an insatiable thirst for blood.

**Rule # 53:**Speaking of kids, remember the blood of infants can give you unholy superpowers; so, drink it.

**Rule # 58**:But don't forget to hide the body parts of your victims, otherwise people ask embarrassing questions.

**Rule # 55:**Or better yet eat the evidence.

**Rule # 56: **Can't stomach the idea? Then feed it to someone else; Lazy Susan does it all the time and no one ever notices. **(chuckles to himself.)**

**Rule # 57: **There are plenty of ways to get out of a jam…

**Rule # 58:**For example, if someone is stronger then you just run away.

**Rule # 59:**If they're faster than out smart them.

**Rule # 60:**And when in the presence of someone much wiser than you, point in a random direction and yell, "Look, a distraction!" Then run.

**Rule # 61:**Do not tell children that Santa is fat because he eats kids.

**Rule # 62:**Wait….Disregard last note. **(laughs evilly)**

**Rule # 63: **If you're reading this rule it's because you ignored rule number 5….that's bad!

**Rule # 64:**So, need to get rid of your second shadow before he kills you? Read on…

**Rule # 65:**On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.

**Rule # 66:**So just Stock up on ball point pens. The more you have the more likely he'll choke on at least one of them.

**Rule # 67:**Wait no… that's not right. the more He has the more likely he'll choke on at least one of them.

**Rule # 68:**So, give him 100 pens for Christmas!

**Rule # 69:**Learn to fly. And tell no one.

**Rule # 70:**Remember the secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.

**Rule # 71:**Do not stick fingers into a creatures mouth…that's just tempting fate…and that's bad!

**Rule # 72:**Want to drive your neighbors crazy? Scream as much as humanly possible at 2AM.

**Rule # 73:**Or Answer every question with a question.

**Rule # 74:**Want to be respected? Then refer to people as "mortals".

**Rule # 75:**Or kill all your enemies in the most disturbing way possible.

**Rule # 76:**Start by drowning them in fire ants.

**Rule # 77:**Then kill them.

**Rule # 78:**Brutally.

**Rule # 79:**If you end up going to school here then remember! Teachers don't like finding notes on world domination.

**Rule # 80:**So, dunk their head into boiling water. Problem solved.

**Rule # 81:**Also, never ignore the advice of an all knowing being… it will save you a lot of trouble in the end.

**Rule # 82:**Don't make an all knowing being angry!

**Rule # 83:**If you do then offer him some chocolate.

**Rule # 84:**If that doesn't work offer him the soul of the most hatted person in town.

**Rule # 85:**If that person turns out to be you well…you're screwed! If that person turns out to be him well…THEN YOU'RE REALLY SCREWED!

**Rule # 86: **Remember what your parents always said? Don't talk to strangers? Well that's wrong!

**Rule # 87: **Think about it, your friends were once strangers, and your teachers were too!

**Rule # 88: **The rule is- don't talk to strange people in less it's me duh!

**Rule # 89: **Stupid flesh bags!

**Rule # 90: **Another thing never go against prophecy!

**Rule # 91: **For example, if a cave drawling says the only way to defeat me is by using the Zodiac don't go use something else and think that'll work!

**Rule # 92: **Never ask a demon too many questions, besides it's not like we'll answer truthfully anyways.

**Rule # 93: **never have a man to man talk about why your great-nephew is awkward and sweaty.

**Rule # 94: **Why? Because in this town it just might be your great niece trapped in her brother's body, and that talk would ruin her childhood!

**Rule # 95:**Don't believe everything a unicorn says, they're like the biggest liars in town.

**Rule # 96: **Remember in Gravity Falls anything is possible, so believe every legend, even if it's something crazy like giant spider people. Who knows it just might save your life.

**Rule # 97: **Don't worry about what people think, I mean it's not like you flesh sticks do it often enough anyway!

**Rule # 98: **Remember there is not a shred of evidence that supports the notion that life is serious. Why do you think I'm so weird and out there? It's because you normal people are the real weridos.

**Rule # 99: **Stop worrying about your weight! Why? Well here's a thought your mortal so it doesn't matter if you eat well and stay fit, you're going to die anyway so stop please it's really annoying!

**Rule # 100: **Remember there is a very fine line between _'hobby' _and _'mental illness.'_

**_The End! ...or is it?!_**

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**Chapter End Notes**

I really hope these were worth reading and at least made you laugh a little.

Please let me know what you think, until then...

This is Emily signing off... ;)


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